#008 Tragedy, Trust and Triumph With Celia Peachey Transcript
Please note the following transcript will contain errors as it is automated and is not always accurate but you will get the gist!
hi I’m Suzana Kalcic and you’re listening to life in practice podcast I’m curious about the big questions in life and how we can experience more meaning and fulfillment every day join me as my guests share their challenges successes and what it means to put our purpose our bodies and our lives in practice hello and welcome to the life and practice podcast This Is Your host Suzana and today my guest is my dear friend %HESITATION Celia Peachey she’s a public speaker and artist activist and alchemist welcome sedia thank you for having me CD so I’m a senior night %HESITATION connected it’s %HESITATION quite a couple of years ago now over our shared interest and passion for personal development spirituality relationships communication so many many topics and %HESITATION yeah we did Tony Robbins together U. P. W. that’s right we did thought was a an amazing experience I think kind of brought our friendship even closer definitely a crystallized and a whole new level of energy between us about what it takes to really be the ultimate alchemist of our lives which is what we’ve been exploring together as you’ve being an integral part of my growth is as much as I’m sure I have yours %HESITATION yeah a hundred percent like you’ve brought so much %HESITATION so much to me like %HESITATION but we will can go with that as long as we go and what I wanted to like start off with first like %HESITATION have you always hides this %HESITATION interest for personal development and spirituality or like is this something that was kind of there as a seed when you’re a child or is it something that kind of you gradually go into or maybe had an experience I kind of woke you up to something well yeah quite a question sorry this so much within that so the journey really became noticing when I was back home growing up three teenage years how my friends with making choices about their lives and none of it resonated with me I was always hungry to two crew to get education it’s because I just felt the school wasn’t offering me well I knew I was hungry for on some level and it took a while to figure that out as has it does with all of us it’s been it’s been a long winding journey of exploration so with regards to the spiritual aspect I guess drama school was the first my first port of call of understanding that I’m in instruments and I have to clear my blocks in order to to be able to be present and facilitate something else to come through me so I wouldn’t necessarily courted spirituality at the time but through certain white couples three different exercises and understanding how much it takes for you to just be present with one thing and really focus on studying and practicing in order to Maastricht I think then I realized I needed mine training and that’s when drama school really helped me understand we did movement exercises so we were understanding how to move the breath with the movement with the words how does another character breeze how did they perceive the world and not so I think indirectly I started on the journey of empathy what is another person feel how do I understand from that perspective because I felt misunderstood growing up and I wanted greater understanding therefore I needed to understand the human condition and it was through acting the I actually started to get to grips with history in the sense that these people in history books are real people I had experiences so then I guess you sought to open up the whole journey of life through this you know yvolution through history %HESITATION so with regards to spirituality I think drama school opened me up to that that is it the I’m a vessel for information I and then it was an emotional breakdown breakthrough because I think when you study anything autistic it challenges all your preconceived ideas because all of a sudden you’re not following someone else’s prescription your office to to to to offer something of yourself which means you need to be seen you need to be vulnerable and you need to trust yourself and so that means you crack and %HESITATION that’s when I first had my my first awakening at drama school and that has been a change from the end of consistent work in different ways to to meet myself on the on the part of creative exploration and healing and so call it what you will is open spiritual yeah I know %HESITATION so this like kind of theme off %HESITATION it’s seventy on the creative process of of how to and a couple of people I interviewed them before and we discussed this a bit and I mean from my perspective on it I wonder if it’s something that you agree with is that the creative process itself is kind of a spiritual experience because when you tap into to like true creativity it’s almost it’s not you he’s actually creating your actually %HESITATION tuning into whether you want to call it like collective consciousness and in your words as you said like you’re you’re kind of used as a vessel for that communication or that project or whatever is not something that yeah I think I think through spiritual practice it’s allowed me to let go of any rigidity in fear preconceived ideas and allow something new to come through but she’s more playful more fearless I’m more spontaneous because you know we’re creatures of habit so unless you have a practice that allows you to observe your past sins and show up with another character’s Patton’s trashy really perceive them and then allow them to to be expressed three years you do have to be of service to something higher so yeah I would I would definitely say that it’s about being an instrument for goods that’s where your limitless capacity comes three I am just %HESITATION what you talked about like it exploring different blocks I think within creativity also and that’s where the %HESITATION where the %HESITATION ego shows up a lot because I think I know in a way as I wore our egos out the block the kind of the smoothness of the creative the creative process what do you think it’s harder today tied to the side as you know I I’ve got this alter ego aspect could neurotic cat and she’s the one that creates the excuses and the reasons and the judgments to took to not allow herself to be playful or full or a line with values and vulnerability it’s all about defensiveness and holding it together and looking good but not necessarily feeling goods and you know your life is messy and when we can actually make peace and be there for ourselves in a mess that’s when we start to make real progress I believe anyway because I’m not adding insult to injury I’m not beating myself up and I’m allowing myself to feel energized by observing a tie I’ve made a mistake okay I’m not perfect okay that person’s done it better than me you just don’t give up you allow yourself to to to go on that journey and at and I think that’s where the heater can get in the way because it doesn’t it’s gonna save you from getting hurt or humiliated totally yeah %HESITATION but just to backtrack just a little bit %HESITATION so you said you have the %HESITATION awakening in a drama school so what what what exactly happened to their what was the realization what did you what did you wake up to okay sorry when I went to drama school it was the first month into drama school full of ambition as you can imagine all these young you know I I was in my twenties I was like this is it I’m going to Hollywood I’ve got everything that it takes a what’s really hard to have to say you know I was I wasn’t I didn’t have a place to stay I was squatting before I got there and I I trained really hard saved up worked hard to get private teacher night and then I pray I did the private classes and go into one of the top drama schools so I go in thinking you know what I’ve got what it takes then we going to do different exercises which which really open up the psyche and your emotional capacities and %HESITATION whole wells that you don’t even notice within eight so we did this exercise kusti emotional Rico they don’t actually do it anymore here is what you’re accessing is its potential Truman’s so what happened is we’re also bringing in and an object that either made us happy or it might have sat idle in a star in the my mother painted a particular point and in our lives in in her life and then I put in my nan’s necklace which was a gold medallion which was a big one on it and then it just it had me at a small one on it which represented me was let me in her so I thought that the necklace was gonna make me sad because my nan had passed and that the stone would make me happy because my mother had painted it and it symbolized a moment in time that was a happy childhood moment however when we did the breeding on it we always get in a room we rode off to turn out to face the wool and we have to breeze on the object and and it’s kind of it’s own object in down exercise will most of the object holds energy so when we did this breathing exercise what I realized as I was doing it is that my name is Nick has actually brought me quite a lot of happiness it was the sound of the jingle that I could hear when she walked into her room she represents a lot of love and stability in my life the starting I had almost like an out of body experience I was able to have a birds eye view seven point in my life when they started was painted and it was a happy moment that was sabotaged by a lot of deceit and with distrust and of on process too much on my mom’s side and so once I saw %HESITATION I felt if I is really difficult to kind of say this but I felt a lot of resentment towards my parents because I realize that I can pull into the world without really understanding what it what it meant to be a parent I felt neglected I felt abandoned this starring held a lot of awareness at a certain time in my life where my mother’s %HESITATION persist rumor projected itself on to the happiness of where we were and it it destroyed it because she wasn’t present it was potentially now her it was axed her true true group that was activated through my when it’s in this exercise was potentially post room and postnatal depression off to my brother and her mother was on prices from her childhood to go activated by the happiness Roque sadness because obviously it’s hormonal and it’s quite complex but is when something isn’t dealt with it builds up so anyway I have to south body experience where I could see this time in my life and I felt like wow I realize I’d normalized in all of trauma and a lot of neglect and although I didn’t want to blame my parents I came out a lot of us were very upset from the exercises there was so many people crying but you’re not given any therapy or debriefing off to such an exercise you just told always break time now govern have a cigarette going have you lunch and we roll persisting really deep things that we had no idea it was going to come up more were not warned so I’m hyperventilating all next you know like oh my god you know the amount of Jane and break down a miscommunication misunderstanding in the relationships because the star represented my mother’s third marriage and so on that was pretty happy in our lives however because of her %HESITATION prices drama there was a breakdown of that aspect in a large tree to tree to her essentially pushing away a lot of love in her life because she was you know like one of us once we get there is the one thing that we want we push away because you can’t lose what you haven’t had sorry anyway it was it really represented a sadness because I saw the destruction of the happiest moment in our lives due to yeah due to that and I don’t want to go too deeply into it but anyway also the exercise R. I. N. I had a meltdown I had my first what you call breakdown spiritual awakening and everybody was kind of looking at getting upset about the costumes over my costumes notice Michael seems not that I’d literally had a moment where I couldn’t even think about coaching I couldn’t think about acting career I have to get back to basics and make peace with the fact that I really didn’t know what my values where I didn’t know where I stood with my parents and I got very very ill and I go to condition the skin conditions mild now but at the time as an actress it was arises and it meant a lot and it was a lot of anger coming to the surface inside all right basically I tried to stay at drama school but it just wasn’t possible my life for showing me that I really needed to go back to basics and learn to love and learn to make pace and when I had to take a year out of drama school in order to just look at my life and my parents had to come together for the first time to support me emotionally I was twenty three I was the first time I felt like and a child even that because I’d always have to put it together and make it through him and almost mother my own mother so I realized so I’m not sure the exercise three predate I see it I don’t think they do the exercise anymore but that for me was incredible realization a very painful one but you know I had to take a year out of drama school I went travelling I fell in love I I kind of start to understand what was important in life and with our admission is important yeah I realize that I had to really come from the heart about why I want certain things that I needed to be validated from within I’m you know what it’s like drama school high hearts Hollywood is a lot of external validation that my soul was telling me he was not gonna help me mile yeah does that resonate question with your own self yeah yeah definitely you know I can definitely see like I’m thank you for going into the detail of how how the actual awakening happened yeah I mean it’s kind of we realize things as you say that we have normalized for so long I’m not when it comes to light yes I %HESITATION wow %HESITATION that’s been there the whole time yeah and I think I think with the journey going on to that as a as you realize how much love hat was lacking in your life you have to really most of the odds of not going to be to me about it but just be grateful for the realization and what we have now moving forward so that was the beginning of my my my spiritual awakening I guess is that my ego simply leaf just smashed you know with hopes and dreams and to just really get real about what’s important to me which is family and friends and and questioning values and so figuring out how to live in alignment with them yeah absolutely and then so did you go back to drama school because then you %HESITATION kind of explored spirituality a bit a bit further I I took a year out of drama school and just took a look at life you know and when traveling for and fell in love and %HESITATION then I did go back because I am someone that loves to it you know I finish what I start regardless of the traumas and the challenges that life is we must follow three because life will break our hearts we mustn’t break around hot so I did go back to drums go that was powerful set again long break our hearts but we mustn’t break Iran halts you know we have to be that for ourselves and I think that that for me when I realize that no one’s going to do it for me I need to show up and finish what I started so I did I went back and completed drama school unless the only good night and but I think that the growth so I went three on the year route really helped me become a better actress yeah because I understood it the vulnerability and the fragility of different characters and the level of empathy I talked about in the beginning was reedy voice receives it landed mile and %HESITATION then obviously the the relationship with your mom is has been such a I think a key part to your journey %HESITATION can you speak a bit more into that how how that has has had an impact on me my relationship with my mom she was a fabulous person she was very young when she gave birth to me she was twenty one years old now when I was twenty one years old I did not have my act together you know I I will mature at different levels sorry my mom was really close we were really close really good friends I think as a mother she didn’t really know how to operate you know and %HESITATION there was a lot of them persist Roma and I think you know I’m very particular about people why are you bringing a child into the world do you know when you’re ready bringing the sacred commitment to another being and Sam so she was a really good celebrated passing great sense of humor however that was a different generation and there was a lot of them persist to model of mental health issues and it was like I was always trying to heal my mother I was the mother to my mother and so even though I got an opportunity to talk to my own dreams I felt like which was the name of my play go constantly having interrupted he was like oh here we go again something else something else to interrupt the fly but now I realize the obstacles all the journey you know %HESITATION sorry when I I I gather that when you ask me about my mom you’re always asking me about the tragedy that happened sorry I think growing up was very I didn’t realize as I said to you the level of trauma I’ve normalized trying to cope as a teenager with a mother that had mental health issues that Ozar had no real understanding I’ve really healthy love and sorry she got married to the man of her dreams it did happen it happens my younger brother’s father he’s a very kind resilient gentle man and %HESITATION I think that as I said before the post natal depression after my brother activated a tumor that was never dealt with from her childhood and therefore that marriage broke down then once I’d had to divorce she realized what happened and she kind of never forgave herself it was very sad even though she had her and how she was now single mother with this child that she didn’t really need to bait out man left her deeply lost her but she purity of love was alien to her because of her own child the trial from Rome father and sadly off to that it’s my feeling are constant for anyone else in the family that she never forgave himself and serenity did it she was a woman on arriving and she was lonely and she didn’t choose to have a strong sense of self that meeting you now understand is so vital to our point of attraction to how we allow people and we educate them on how to treat us she met someone very innocently while walking the dog one day who had just been out of prison less than a year for murdering another woman so it wasn’t like a domestic abuse and ari I wish she had an abusive partner she met someone he was literally looking to prey on the vulnerable woman on her right but did she know that he was previously convicted naravno initially yeah I didn’t and it’s really complex because this this a short space of time in this are many so many kind of details within the unfolding earth earth had Murdoch that’s to say sorry yes in order to clarify the people listening off to my mother’s thirty force time she she never really recovered and when she meant was innocently walking the dog she met someone he seemed very charming and intelligent but I had an agenda they were they weren’t just a guy that she met this was someone that was looking to prey on someone and six six six and she dated this person for a short period of time and sadly was taken advantage of and he was a cold calculated killer and he befriended my little brother and made it harder and every attempt he could to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes that that she may have introduced into an actual period once he figured that he was not the real deal in the things when adding up she did call the police she as you know the sad story she cried out for help they downgraded the cool they didn’t take out her cries for help seriously someone was meant to come and visit her and in between the time that they were meant to calm and they didn’t he killed her the card and he brutally murdered my mother and it’s been not Jenny recovery ever since because I knew that it wasn’t gonna ends too well because of the traumas along the way that haven’t been processed and healed Chotiner headings a long journey so that was in two thousand night and it you know even the police took the what if convicted killer on her doorstep when she’d been crying out for help and she’s dead feet from the door and so the council okay where is that led to this this case and the synchronicity is the allow this to happen our own precedent it and so ever since as you went away I’ve been campaigning on an activist for healthy relationship education domestic abuse raising awareness but they will twist in the tale for me is that I think because even though I’ve experienced domestic abuse on so many subtle level subtle and extreme you know with someone see the manipulative icon on the car and %HESITATION they try to be possessive to where it’s not too extreme violence and when you eight people just think domestic abuse is is the violence with hitting and it’s not it starts in the subtle forms of the bin so much during my childhood to it being present I hadn’t been wearables into one day bang the worst happens and you realize wow if the worst happened happened I might have condoned a normalized so much because what happens is that women stay in situations because it’s not that bad but it’s awful but it’s he’s okay he’s apologized but it’s not that bad I’m not seem normal relationship dynamics where is mine was even though I’ve seen it all the pews in my mother’s Patton’s the %HESITATION I’d also taken on board a normalized to some extent this was not that this was someone that actually was a cold calculated killer that came in I had an agenda and then just killed us type can you imagine that it’s night making peace with the fact that it wasn’t a normal domestic abuse and already this was a psychopath yet you’ve normalized abuse every step of the way and then you have that realization and then the west of the west happens is just mongering sorry it’s been now almost twelve years of campaigning and consistent heating in therapy and creative expressions take to come to terms and find ways to activate my pain and channeling into something with purpose so that I can actually contribute the pest of myself to %HESITATION the society I guess I know not be the victim you know be the pioneer B. the alchemist because we all have something to overcome some more challenging than others yeah %HESITATION I think one of the things I always %HESITATION struck me when you tell that story is %HESITATION when you found out and your how you had that response I mean I have no idea where you found that strength that wisdom that insight you know it’s just beyond me I K. said yeah thank you which is to contextualize the audience I guess that before my mom’s death this man had create so much distance between her and are the I reply through she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and trying to help someone trying to help but there was always something in the wire there was a miscommunication there was a disinterest but I didn’t realize she was being controlled in the background and I just reached a point where sure the audience can can can resonate with is where I was struggling to align the wedding date you know I would say one thing I wasn’t doing what I said I wanted to do and no holiday was gonna fix all this multi tasking in this obsessive compulsive achievement disorder but feeling like I wasn’t really making progress sorry a year previous before I surrender to doing a vipassana which is a ten day silent meditation retreat I found out about it and I was like %HESITATION an S. would do that but gradually since that that time the first ever finding out about it that year cost and things haven’t changed and I was desperate to just make my dreams come true there was no one holding me back from myself and so I I and to visit my mother just before I went on this retreat and it was sad you know she came out of the house and %HESITATION she gave me a lift to the station and I didn’t know if that this man may have been in the house at the time she got in the car she gave me a lift to the station and %HESITATION I was at my wits end it was her birthday and I said look you know when I come out from this ten day silent meditation retreat when you meditate ten hours a day I will take you to the Ritz or somewhere beautiful every one of your best I and she said to me %HESITATION C. R. I feel so much stronger when you’re around I love you you’re good at everything you do just come in do what you need to do %HESITATION I wish you’re around more often she helped me and she helped me like she did when I let me die by that point I just knew that I needed to be there for myself so I got the retreat and my ego is telling me Dhangar go on holiday you’re mad why you gonna meditate and sit still for ten hours for ten days you’re you’re crazy woman by noon the all right I have to train my mind I was tired and I need to just be figure out how to get myself to do what I needed to do so I go on this retreat and while some will not retreat I’m having downloads you know you train your mind three forty the monkey mind is running off with scenarios to the past to the to the future in the past and your training your mind to release with boots on cars which of the stories the body’s store sorry sorry if someone said CD you’re not really good at that and there is school you might get all and you carry that in your body this kind of apologetic so what you do when you meditate is you sit in a very neutral position and you just train your mind into understanding craving and attachment which of the two things that lead to misery you start to understand why you’ve got imposes it cravings and attachments things that your autopilot reacting rather than responding C. get to understand what Hey why you are reacting more you all hooked into certain things because of the stories you’ve been telling yourself because of the root causes so it’s like a real deep training within the month the body’s wisdom anyway the training is deep and while I was there literally discovering and exploring peace for the first time like I realized I didn’t know what peace will I’m really getting to grips like peace of mind the first five to six days were horrific you know getting beyond your entire house and your own neuroses anyway once I bring to the other side I was experiencing heaven you know within myself however the contrast is is the wall so I was experiencing that my mom was being tortured and threatened and bullied I was in fear for her life and I have no idea I tried to save my mom on numerous occasions and this time I had to do something for myself and it just so happens that at that time I have to be my own Sadia she was murdered while I was on the retreat and that was that was in the retreat you know you got you got my phone no one can get a hold of me so at the end of the retreat we give enough phones back I’m having an epiphany you know I’ve told almost all my minds told me this person’s like this and create all the stories about who these people are at the end when you actually talk you have another pet if any this is a bullshit machine it’s telling me shit about this person about that person judgments and assumptions that just on helpful they separating and that’s not true I was having an amazing like really I just felt like I’ve discovered something on this I’ve achieved something that so beyond anything any institution could have given me real insight into my own self for my own crap I felt really high I’m not followed through an artist it was great to connect with people beyond the mind from the halt anyway I have the five th and I don’t know I’m not going to check the messages I’m gonna allow myself to complete this experience this is sacred and then thankfully at the end of that retreat I didn’t get on the train it was meant to get on the train someone’s it’ll you know do you fancy coming the call with us and I got in the call and I thought okay now is the time to check my messages my ego was like oh my god I’m so popular there’s all these messages on my phone and all right listen to the voicemail and I got something the police saying about this missing then I get a message from my mom’s best friend saying Osijek something’s agents happens you need to you need to call me so I said to him can you stop the car stop the car get out and get into this field hi my mom’s best friend and she says see I’m really sorry your mum’s been mad at you can imagine I just I just went into complete shock and I think I screamed and then I was in this mad station this does this really peaceful place I mean I imagine I’ve just been trying to ten days the ten hours a day to train my mind not to react but to respond and all of a sudden I did something I’ve never done before I’m sorry present and I just said this either makes me or breaks me and I’d like to my hands I was just like it makes me and in that moment it was like crystallizing that decision that was the space between stimulus and response as to whether I went into the victim or I went into the Victor if I went into you know it was just incredible because I’ve never done that before and I haven’t done it since and I just stood there and Ankit that intention that decision and then I had all this down light as symbols and messages in the message that I received was be faithful the balance is being addressed and I will back to the call really really come and it was just a piece and an inability to observe the I would never of had a knock on that retreat I would be I’d be dead today because I had no tools I would if you know because I still had a meltdown obviously after that everything went to we are because I was gonna say was not experienced this kind of it’s like it’s almost like shock yeah you don’t feel as like the degree from the the anger and the sun is not kind of tends to happen a bit later I think obviously the body goes into shock immediately without having to make that decision I went in to observation and I sat in the car and it was a woman that smoked in the car you know I just stop smoking before that retreat because before that I had already just cleaned up my act from drug addiction and you know it was a year before my mom’s death I done a lot of work cleaning up my act that was part of my other spiritual and the process was going to die and cocaine anonymous and understanding what it meant to be clean and take responsibility for my resentments and clean house literally said I you know thank god I’ve done some of that ground work but when I signed the call I could reach for that cigarette I could have compounded I could’ve made loads of decisions that would just compounded added insult to injury every excuse to hit the forget button I didn’t and we went to this pub and we sat %HESITATION did it take and I just sat there and they would light was so wanted to be with you and to to hold the space with you this is incredible light which also laughed %HESITATION I could’ve been on a train on my own or if I check my phone what else will not retreat I could have destroyed everyone’s retreat not everyone’s having a sacred awakening thank god I was in a really safe small space with people that you have to hold me in that moment yeah absolutely because if I’d been on a train with strangers on my own because could you imagine I was in a field and I was hi Kathy driven hard gosh it’s so many years on yeah you know because it’s her profound because I’m so grateful anyway so it that moment crystallized everything but I still I was in shock I got back to my apartment I was making jokes as my everyday among gets murdered and blah blah blah and then someone else told me about someone else doing really well there was a friend came round to like %HESITATION something’s happened to someone else as heck I just put myself back together again and that this right I don’t if it resonates with anyone else but I just slid down the wall I was like why you know I’m having to pick up the pieces again and put myself back together and this is what it felt like drama school dream comes true trauma happens to have a meltdown have to go back it is Patton’s but this was the ultimate test and it’s been a real journey to to show up to fight for justice because it wasn’t just a murder was a complete failure of the criminal justice system in the place absolutely yeah so yeah it’s been a journey of the microcosm and the macrocosm at that moment and that fact that meditation retreat is the reason I’m alive Hey because the mind is everything in high and a service so it like it gave you thought thought strength as well you know because as you said it’s so easy I think I am most people would go down the route of just why me which obviously it’s and and and stay there aha the fact that you actually chosen I would I would ask you was that kind of a defining moment where you’re like I’m going to be the alchemist of my own life I’m gonna turn this pain into purpose or you’re gonna it’s it’s you know it’s really strange it’s almost like a part of me can take responsibility for that moment because I done the priming yeah I showed up out of desperation and divine intervention I happen to be on that retreat because I was I knew that I was the only person holding myself back from all the things I said I wanted to do and I needed to somehow get this to work for me but there’s also it was out of my hands it was a high power his I’ve never done that kind of planned it would just it makes me and although everything fell apart that stayed with me this item makes me or breaks me and it wasn’t coming back to talking about being the all time alchemist of your life that was manifest that that kind of superhero mentality though I took on board it was because everything kept going wrong yeah I did loads of things after that too much and even the vibration of grief if anyone talks about the law the law of attraction I was in grief and shame that meant that I was vulnerable to other people’s agendas hi and I had to seek help to find strength to understand boundaries to lift my energy to find my strength to to build my trust my mom is right demoted and have bank accounts emptied I’m lucky my brother is alive my whole life my hoc structure facing humankind was destroyed get ready for a job I was gonna say like how on earth do you like start to try and trust anybody or even trust life itself well that’s interesting because if you think about that defining moment that was life speaking through me it was sorry mystical it was so mystical and that’s what I think my intention was just to get a great smile himself to be there for myself and stop abandoning myself an addiction or gossip will blame and that the person to help me realize it was the ultimate bonding experience take responsibility take responsibility be present and to cultivate an understanding of peace she’s a miracle and to really understand there’s an there’s a critic and that’s not me I can observe it I have to be it has to identify with it he wants to destroy an attack everything that’s not me I’m a lover I’m a faithful person I believe in things I believe in the goodness of humanity so yeah that moment was a diff the defining moment as I said coming back to %HESITATION to alchemist we had everything kept going wrong I had to somehow come home to light heartedness tangled spiritual practice into a meal to alchemist of my life I’ve got this so if you want to something like what happens with mom’s mad at you coming kind of like grief you coming to kind of like a delusional in time and space for your your kind of send you in a parallel universe is like the whole well goes back to normal in some ways but you don’t you and you’re on a planet of fucked up this for quite awhile lost in this this realm of trying to make peace with the spirit world and the material world and and nothing means anything anymore what really means stuff what makes the meaning of life so yeah I where everything kept going wrong on the %HESITATION to alchemist of my life my powers in my response and I was formulating my own philosophy and so it was helping me realize being victims not gonna put no kind of looking to reward me I cannot afford it because people prey on the energy yeah yeah and it’s it’s just it’s not an identity with identifying with for longer than a second yes I was a victim is in the past and not only that I’m medically it’d take to make it crystal clear to everyone out that’s my mother’s story my story is on here with you today I’m present I can love my emotions and elevate myself into the present moment and have some sort of compartmentalized ation that that’s her story on the sovereign being I’m here to contribute the best of myself to to life now and thank god for the wisdom that’s given me because if if it hadn’t happened I’d still be fight fretting over petty stuff we still get absorbed in that occasionally but in the mine in Iraq the values I live by the it’s made me the woman I am a fourth other women I have found friendship I never knew possible and I found strength and discipline and tenacity that I never knew I had I thank my mother for that because she kind of hello if it’s been a catalyst a sacrifice for all these other women and for the system to change and for me to use my voice in a wide that you sweetie useful it’s not about me a big Hollywood actress being famous it’s about making people feel seen heard and valued I am I’m allowing myself that that privilege as well yes ma’am yeah well hello course thank my god this what is being like your %HESITATION courage just to show up and talk about this stuff you know it’s really like thank you I am but when we think like I just wanna point back to something you said about kind of not being a victim but then there’s like a train of thought that people say oh your victim shaming but it’s it’s not that high exactly but the comes a time when you have to cross over yeah and you Colin Colin keeps saying that when people would introduce me of you’ve been a victim of domestic abuse when you’re a survivor it just didn’t inspire me it didn’t empower me it made me feel like I was still stuck in the problem and so through working with that and save lives charity on almost seven ambassadors you know if Amnesty International AT and t’s at peaceful solutions charts I’m studying nonviolent communication because I believe that reading Powerman comes to shifting your language and also not not saying don’t energetically sending a signal of antagonizing you know because we %HESITATION we will go out of reason somewhere along the line and to be angry and to be rich you know to retaliate and throw things out of life this is reason why they choose not to do that and so I three where can we save lives I said look if we can to inspire other women to come out of the darkness survivor victims not it’s not really stepping over that threshold so I said let’s get this going for pioneers because you’re a pioneer viewer experience you overcoming your Pattons and stepping into the unknown what who is Susie how most empowered %HESITATION Susie when she’s in her goddess who Susie when she’s in come on then in charge of her destiny he was Susie which present I’m playful I’m not lost in her story all have parents story all the excuses and so when you are pioneers during the %HESITATION northern realms of creativity of possibility J. dispenser talks about that you know in the online realm you could create anything and he also talks about his book supernatural how people’s responses when I first find out terrible news so someone found a have partnered diet in some tragic way she went to such shock and trauma that it created with this disease in her body that she literally went into debilitated state and then have to undo all of that and then come back to healing if I hadn’t been on the pass in a loss to have low to health issues often my mom died because of the grief because of whatever but I also knew not to eat cakes and sugar I let go of the smoking even though I picked things up I never compound it was never light well I used to act like I had I had a I had a space between every decision because I had a practice which is why you’ve called your part because life in practice you’re really keen eye which I totally love you’re really keen to explore life in practice what practices help you be the empowered present person that allows you to show up and offer the best of yourself to the people that you love in your life and create something exactly and I think it’s %HESITATION not just about practices but how do we practice what we what we value and it’s only the things that we practice consistently that are actually real they’re not a concept anymore because they’re being practiced exactly yes sorry but I just wanted to %HESITATION I got a like %HESITATION like being a pioneer but I think it’s important to always see hold people %HESITATION accountable %HESITATION for for the things that that that they have done to to hold space for %HESITATION for what happened and the grief and the trauma so that that goes on the sea with to the man who %HESITATION %HESITATION %HESITATION did your mom and also to the police for that for their failings so you know how can we do both kind of hold those people accountable and let them know %HESITATION SO that they fully grasp like what it is that that they have done and how they’ve you know hurt people but also then come out and from up from a case of being in your words a pioneer sorry Sir the whole journey was a pioneer in one at the same time people in the press according to a victim because in the in the society and when within the system I finally has been a victim of a broken system is designed to make you want to give up we were told we were lucky to get an inquest all too quick to write to life we only got that because of the human rights act now as you know you without my speech at the human rights %HESITATION auditorium last year where people I always seem to be for my mother’s murder that it was I was taking and I thought it was just the immigrants were thought it was this I took for granted as a British white woman my advice is safe I didn’t ever think that I would be fighting for them in my mom’s name is what is my name so you with in relation to the system me and my family with victims however personally as I go into the unknown I did not know that it’s gonna be five year journey I was in unknown territory personally even though the label of the system is is saying I’m a victim personally I’m saying on the Piney I’m a pioneer so I’m having to resonate a different scene you okay you know it’s something out someone else is taking your identity and fostering the press with victim victim you have to inside say to yourself Pinay ultima alchemist Pinay behind it because you might never make it to the finishing line if you still sign your victim it took five years to get an inquest to get some sort of accountability from the police I’m from the system at large about how the map has let her down because he shouldn’t he should have been tracked from leaving his country into this country and they should have been restrictions put on him but none of that was done and there was no risk assessment for my mother so there were lots of different things but again it comes back to what you’re telling yourself and say I would not allow the victim to stick with me because otherwise I’d still be full of excuses you can only allow yourself truly to identify that for short period because you know there were times easier as you’re well aware when you feel that our ally invest metallurgical every reason to just give up you’ve got the perfect excuse if you want a cop out this is it you’ve got the reason and I just couldn’t do that I couldn’t do that and it’s only because of my spiritual practice the I’ve been able to observe myself from high space yeah yeah my mom didn’t have a spiritual practice my dad doesn’t have a spiritual practice I’m sorry for me it’s about having so for conflictive practice well my thinking what am I saying what my doing is in alignment with how it used to be yeah or I might just being a mess for everybody around me and that takes time and self compassion because it’s not an easy journey to put all those fragments together come home to wholeness and take responsibility for yourself response ability it was only before her death I chose to take that responsibility and as I took that leap the said the feather bed was there for me my highest self so going on not %HESITATION heating journey %HESITATION where did that lead you to what were some of the things that you Exploratorium help every sorry it initially it started with conventional therapies before my mother died and I remember telling my therapist what happened and she was blown away in our and then it went on to a deeper Jenni Olson %HESITATION I went back in we related to the passenger because I knew that if I didn’t go back and revisit at the right time that retreat I might not hold true to the practice that saved me in the first place sorry the pass enough the therapy a school at Alcoholics Anonymous cocaine anonymous I continued with doing some of the steps on and off I have been experimenting as you’re aware with shamanism I did many years looking into semantic practices soul retrieval speaking to the soul of my mother my father people don’t realize what I said and just having saying we need to decide well the on unfinished business I need to a lot of stuff you’re thinking why am I doing this or is this about hopping to really looking into how you’re relating in that sub conscious narrative that’s playing out in the background and you bring it right forward and then it’s been all Alaska and plant medicines but you know I’d say to anyone I’ve I’ve been on a very manual Jenny before I did plant medicines I’ve done a lot off of writing meditating verbalizing with a therapist doing a lot of the manual work because you can’t just guys plant medicines expect that that’s going to heal year and fix J. Dyer tab massive Paul in the journey should you be open to it but it’s it’s been consistent work I think it’s I reach this point now at eleven twelve years I just don’t have a purpose therapist for the first time in years I have my therapist I’m able to manage things without going into a drama I am without compounding what someone thinks of me into something I take really pass now can really be objective about that %HESITATION I’m distillate violence yeah it’s such a personal journey to Reggie really let go of blaming everyone else and taking full responsibility how you show up now I’m so let me but then you know I still say you know people also do you deserve I don’t say to be blamed if that’s not the right language but you know people he do bad things need to face those consequences you know hundred percent and you know I recently added a part cost with real crime profile and if you hear me in that I am sorry hard hitting more than ever in a way often very packed like diplomatic so calm yeah I do my best not to blame many like to hate to police they’re a good police officers however there are lazy neglectful individuals within an institution that is faceless and that is not serving the people in the way that it can and it needs to be held accountable and that’s what I did last week with real crime profile there needs to be changed changes in the whole system with people in individuals with a hand out of the cases are signed off so that victims own regurgitating information to strangers when they’re already vulnerable and scared they need to know that this one pass in a point of contact if they can trust and rely on sorry I totally hear you and I’ve been doing everything I can to really understand just how much they need to be held account has been a long journey because I ain’t even going to the whole it’s all about love national last night a total it’s it’s lightened dog but it’s bringing that darkness to light and saying do the right thing yeah okay looking at the evil in the eye and is unite why I am describe evil is live backwards when we put profit over people when we put our own agenda over someone else’s joyride enjoy because we were operating from CA in higher anything going out fair is is going to have a consequence either yeah it’s about bringing bringing it to light and being loving and that really halt firm in in what needs to change yeah absolutely and %HESITATION just wanna ask about %HESITATION forgiveness have you come to a place where you forgive three to give her the police or the killer off both of them because I can imagine I if any woman or man or man whose experience something similar they’ve probably felt the same things that that you have and %HESITATION I think your story is so inspiring that that %HESITATION that that there is a light at the end of the tunnel you know and I’m sure people want to know like how how did you a paste yeah how did you get to where you are I mean aside from the like spiritual practices like because I think I’m I would imagine you would have to find some kind of forgiveness and peace to be able to move on well it really it really depends on your definition of forgiveness I’m gonna done of a passing a retreat before a because I’ve done about four now I train my mind I’ve done service that I’ve done that for ten day silent meditation retreats this not for the faint hearted to be with yourself %HESITATION many persistent a lot came up and I remember having to buy the book forgiving the unforgivable hi read certain stories of some awful things that humans do to each other but you know my life is give me insight on to a high level of energy vibration over traction I’m sorry I realized if I hold on to that garage in that resentment US energy we sent so for me for giving is is giving the pain to a high Pappas it’s letting go of the judgment %HESITATION the the grievance and holding on to the wisdom and side with my mother’s killer somewhere along the line he was corrupted away from love they must have been a very traumatic child today I don’t know the ins and outs all I know is that that person is deeply deeply troubled the police hold accounts do I forgive I have to say that it’s M. M. forgiveness I guess it’s it’s letting go of the garage I love myself enough to let go of that garage and say it’s happened now what do I do how can I help prevent other people losing their lives how can I show up in a way that shows like the end of the tunnel how can I celebrate my life my life Maxis I call it live in the shadow of what happened to my mother sorry forgiveness for me is empowering myself with the wisdom I see the arms so from being and awful things happen to lie to people in this world some people suffer more than others and it can either like what happened after the passing it can either make me or break me and I don’t say that lightly every single day I have that if if because this happens that you can’t do that because this happened that you got this excuse you have to use that voice and you have to say it’s because of that I can and I will and you have to pay if it every single time the voice comes up because otherwise you attract what you put out if you can afford yeah I have to live in face everything that happens is for the greater good it is always someone worse off in our and as my legacy to my mom to live my truth we know our parents you know the biology belief says that I’ve been studying as you’re well aware to the nth degree how do I speak my highest trees how do I be courageous humble how do I get out of my own way the vulnerable band powered seven moment to moment thing I guess and I think one of the things I’ve seen from music really breaking the patterns that you’ve inherited from your parents ruthlessly yes yes I know sorry as we said before this part cost is like saying the relationship with my father my mother I took I took it personally for a long time %HESITATION it’s like this in my father reacts to me like that because there’s something wrong with me as I’ve got to know him through covered nineteen experience and saying my dad is the sum total of his patents and conditioning growing up and we’ll have different capacities to be emotionally present with each other and I realize he’s a good man that has done his best and he has a certain way of being in a sec past it and I have a sick past take it’s not personal that he called meet me in St spaces he has his capacity I have mine he hasn’t had the opportunity to do the certain level of spiritual work the I have in order to I have a deep the capacity for love to hold it to be intimate talk about things I need to talk about without melting down or going into denial or judgment sorry yeah I see that my dad is is a really stable brave man and I can love him for who he is without feeling like what’s the word you know like like I have to full prior hold him be resentful of the fact that he couldn’t be there for me really in a wide on my phone to talk to my mom died because I’ve had to do with it pretty much with my brother my uncle Myron I carried off that case and %HESITATION you have to be there for myself and cultivate a strong sense of self and no one could take from me which is why so my mother didn’t have to through seeing that in her own way she didn’t have that I had to give it to myself so that was a gift that that almost like a curse was the blessing to look myself in the mirror and say you’re my best friend I’ve got your back I’m sorry it’s the giving up parents the doing the best they can with the knowledge and understanding they have but I guess it’s having safe distance in space and holding your arm boundary to know I can love them from a from a from a distance or level of intimacy that say for both of us to be in love and not taken that tribute and not to resent it would deny a %HESITATION degraded or judge it just hold this rule giving the best that we can and yes I am I I love my father he has taught me how to command respect I hadn’t how to really see the people are doing the best they can with the knowledge and understanding they have I thank my mom for showing me how to cultivate a strong sense of self insight yeah and I think would you say that is kind of what the %HESITATION the meaning of being the ultimate alchemist is is transforming that taking as you say the curse and turning it into a blessing taking the pain and putting that energy into purpose absolutely turning pain into purpose is it because no one no one in this life gets out without something and if you haven’t had a struggle you haven’t really maybe characterize your full capacity for food for your actualization you know because we all have something to overcome so yeah it’s about turning a pain to purpose it’s about noticing that voice and saying it’s not the reason I called is the reason I can the reason I am and to just be really present and how are you you respond to life’s challenges %HESITATION yeah say I can’t believe I R. one hour is like is up there’s like so much more to talk about but %HESITATION ways this interview I just wanted to kind of set the the context of the experiences that you had done hi you’ve chosen to move through them until you choose to create %HESITATION going forward and then in later entries already wanna delve deep into so many things that you know you and I just have such amazing conversations over the I think will benefit so many people and you know sharing %HESITATION some of the things what do you get your projects that you’re in the process of creating and yes is really exciting stuff %HESITATION that will be %HESITATION coming in the near future yeah this does many projects to to hold ultimate alchemist out there for people to to re claim as their own you know yeah and identity it’s not personal life’s challenges are a gift should we be willing to to to seek that silver lining and and seize the day and respond as consciously as compassionately as possible supply challenges yeah absolutely and %HESITATION SO my last M. two key questions I ask %HESITATION everybody %HESITATION what have been some of the key practices that have helped you to overcome challenges and then attain %HESITATION success or or heating maybe so I always leave it pass an imitation is it just an it meditation in general just being able to sit in your discomfort and observe your mind and see it like a blue sky and the clouds you fools and you have a choice with which how do you why are you can identify with that so are you gonna let that be your story well can you just observe and I think that liberation from craving and attachment addict addictions that’s been a big part of it I understand that not everybody can meditate to going for a walk channeling runnings helped me fresh water swimming you get more than one practice now that journal writing today you know also keep interview myself how my thinking how my feeling about that what story am I telling myself what’s the story I want to tell myself what how my getting in the way how can I get out of the way %HESITATION and really it’s not my brother said to me that if I spent as much time believing in myself as I did doubting myself imagine what I could create and I think through journal writing you really reflect and without self reflective practice you don’t really know who you are so yeah I would say it writing and having a safe space to reflect on your patents and let go there’s not many narratives and allowing something else to come forward something more conscious yeah absolutely I think like right from my perspective the %HESITATION ultimate practices just bringing conscious %HESITATION awareness to the present moment to your behavior to everything what is is also what we know about as was changing a state I mean he is our co op at the crack of dawn and I’ve gone running with a running partner and I jumped in freezing cold water and out of all of the practices that freezing cold water has transformed everything because every nerve cell in a whim off does it take it transforms your weight your present everything shifts within you and it just cleanses you energetically on on another level so it’s about changing your state so predominantly that’s been years of conditioning myself like I used to live in bad bill I’m so tired today calling it up and then I think well how’s my day going to go if I don’t get up and do the exercise well it was a downward spiral so I would get up get out get out of bed do what it takes and then when I’ve been that route wow I feel amazing because the worse you feel if you do apply the tools the most amazing transformation happens he said incredible that you like I just felt like suicidal and now I feel on top of the world in the most empowered person so that contrast really shows you the power of these exercises so I’ve been drilling that for years changing my state elevating my energy so I can involve and that’s what’s Malkmus is about it’s about how do you elevate yourself so that you can evolve into a vibration of love and not live in fear because most of the population live on the coverage which is you know the pride in the anger and with that stuff and shame and once you get out the car you can you get into the high levels then you’ve got something really powerful to offer new attractive but unity is that the %HESITATION miraculous so changing your state will change a story which changes your strategy in life because of the stress coping mechanisms all the addictive ones so you need to have a self reflective practice you need to get into your body total this yeah this is a whole intelligence system right here not just here this is this is a fragment this is the ultimate in your heart yeah yeah I know like I mean before we started this %HESITATION interview we %HESITATION it did %HESITATION Tony Robbins things so to get a sit in it and to state and yeah getting out in nature freezing cold water doing things you don’t want to do that your mind is going on I don’t do that whether your mind says do the opposite listen to your heart listen to your body another this beautiful quote comes from India which is make your mind your friend the hot your temple and your body your teacher because the mind isn’t the enemy we have to one thing is really helping me move forward is to be the most compassionate communicated with myself so I can post on to other people because if I’m rating myself I’m angry and I’m not that friendly to mice how can I offer anything to anyone else when you’re convicted sex being compassionate to myself and that gives me the space to show up and be part of the process to make mistakes and log off and continue to make progress Britain’s and so the final question what do you value most and how do you put it into practice high value freedom and sovereignty freedom and sovereignty for me you only get our freedom three sovereignty I think they’re quite closely knit sorry it’s taking responsibility for what indeed letting other people’s opinions of you to just fall away in the projections and saying I know who I am and I’m gonna follow through my dreams I know has often showing up and doing this you have to really listen to that intuitive voice and that’s what gives you the freedom because you know that you’ve got off every day and I’ve been drilling my discipline things take time and so I threw honoring that I think you’re you’re you’re liberated from other people think of the time because it’s a journey in itself as we are and that allows me to live in love because if I’m free of all of that judgment and all that burden of everybody else’s opinion then I can just be present with myself in my process and I can I can bring love to the process six of thirteen freedom it’s a great love for me while yeah I didn’t think about it like that before about if someone for example also values %HESITATION sovereignty how could they began exploring that like hi good day I was gonna say it I love it comes back to respect sorry for me through through the challenges of my life I’ve had to have this phrase finding ways to respond with respect in the face of ignorance and not even my own ignorance target okay I didn’t know very well they didn’t I made a mistake how can I be respectful of myself and not hold myself %HESITATION hostage to a lower energy sorry with sovereignty it’s about respecting your own process it’s about understanding what you doing like I said with parents you doing the best you can with the knowledge and understanding that you have and through taking that responsibility ability to respond compassionately you cultivate sovereignty through respecting your process is not with you know with bold perfect in a kind of corrupted into an external realm where we have to meet all these different %HESITATION obligations and commitments and so it’s about the internal validation all the time I respect myself I know I I’m showing up and that creates sovereignty because if you respect yourself you couldn’t respect another and their process and I guess you know another good friend of mine said this to me that my love is unconditional but my agreements on out so you have to contract with yourself in I am hold myself unconditionally in love if I don’t meet my colon if I don’t meet my own agreements then I’m unable to so what would you do you mean when you said you mean like if there’s a crossing off boundaries yes yes I think so I think that you know we have to clearly contract with ourselves and other people what’s important to us and once we do that we can honor it sorry for me it’s been a really clearly defining how my relating to this how with with sovereignty to come back to what you said am I being affected by external sources of my dad’s opinion is that the media’s opinion like about money so much external you know got a project love is the currency had to look at my relationship to food to money to my own parents to my own creativity and sorry you have to look over the different influences that might be making you relate to something in a certain way and guide is that serving me do I want that to be my tree summation shipped to my all my my relationship to men relationships money sorry setting up our parents that gun society and saying okay now I’ve got the awareness I’m making a choice and that for me is being a real self reflective practice so you know what is it that quote that time an unexamined life is not as %HESITATION life not worth this is a life not worth living ET with the book we held %HESITATION in here owners own service so get interested in yourself get interested in who you are and you becoming but love yourself love your being more than you’re becoming because for me I used to race ahead with what who I’m becoming and I missed the very person in front of me and that’s what the passenger gave me is the ability to stressed that I’m enough in this moment while beautiful way to enter I think I am enough in this moment I have to be continued we got plenty more to delve deep into so %HESITATION city if anybody would like to find out a bit more about you what’s the best way to reach you are like social media or website or any social so you can go to miss senior PJ with an S. E. Y. at the end of peachy on Instagram or anything because my website W. W. W. dot CEDIA peachy %HESITATION dot com or you can get me on also alchemist on my Facebook and stops at the moment I’m available for questions %HESITATION all the interviews toolbox whatever because I’m a public speakers are a speech about the law of attraction healthy relationships creativity creative heating and being sober and being while yeah I’ll make sure to provide %HESITATION links to this so everyone will be able to find you very easily so thank you so much city of this is being a real %HESITATION honor and I look forward to two more conversations with you thank you thanks a lot for having me it’s been a real pleasure thank you so much for listening if you enjoy this podcast please subscribe and if you thought that this episode could benefit I am someone else %HESITATION please share it with your friends %HESITATION thank you for listening and I’ll catch you next time