#010 Love, Relationships And Sexuality With Andrea Balboni Transcript

Please note the following transcript will contain errors as it is automated and is not always accurate but you will get the gist!

hi I’m Suzana Kalcic and you’re listening to life in practice podcast I’m curious about the big questions in life and how we can experience more meaning and fulfillment every day join me as my guests share their challenges successes and what it means to put our purpose our bodies and our lives in practice hello and welcome to the life and practice podcast this is your host Suzana and today my guest is Andrea Balboni and she’s %HESITATION sex love and relationship coach welcome and draft thank you really great to have you know one of the things that really struck me about your journey and your story was that M. you have been well you were a single for a really long time and that was something that I really resonated with I thought wow okay it’s not just me I’m not the only one so %HESITATION yeah tell me a bit about you %HESITATION how did this journey start for you and what what what inspired you to become a sex love and relationship coach great question %HESITATION so I yes I was single for about fifteen years in a row I had a relationship of four years before that but then had been single and now I’m forty six so good %HESITATION I think you %HESITATION so I hadn’t had much experience in my team here and as a teenager and even and %HESITATION so the relationship I had was in my when I was in my late twenties and then was just never thought that I would be single for as long as I was after that and %HESITATION I just couldn’t work it out I just couldn’t understand what was going on how other people around me could be moving forward %HESITATION I had as I had another friend who was also single for quite some time and he would describe it in a really funny way he would say all my friends are doing laps there lapping me they’ve been married now they’re getting their second marriage some of them are on their third marriage there lapping me this is ridiculous and %HESITATION I felt the same I just couldn’t I just couldn’t work it out I thought I was kind of a normal person and not you know not a bad catch and yet I just couldn’t seem to us to crack the code I couldn’t I couldn’t break free from the perpetual year on year in year out single single single status yeah and it’s so true I think the way you the way you thought like and because I feel the same way it just feels that yeah there is this code like it’s like what’s the what’s the %HESITATION the secret because like all these people seem to know but like I can’t seem to figure it out exactly exactly the same exactly and it was it was a mystery to me for for so long and now it’s much less of a mystery %HESITATION at least as far as my own journey I kind of worked out what I would need to unlock the unlock the code and help other people do the same so not everyone has the same exact kind of keys that they need to unlock what it is that’s holding them back but %HESITATION but the series the tools that I use to help them unlock is pretty much %HESITATION there %HESITATION tools that can be used in many different areas of your life and can be used for the rest of your life so what it took was %HESITATION understanding what was blocking needs become aware of what was really in the way %HESITATION so some of it was mind set shift some of it was %HESITATION my my beliefs about myself my beliefs about men I’m I’m heterosexual so it was in this case %HESITATION my beliefs about the sex I’m attracted to and %HESITATION and then also %HESITATION self worth was another big one and %HESITATION and a few and a few other things that were that were holding me back from from my upbringing some beliefs around limiting beliefs definitely around sex and sexuality and my own power as a woman and how that was expressed so it took quite %HESITATION a beautiful journey over time to work through those things one by one and %HESITATION there many layers to each of those aspects of with me in who I am to finally evolve into or expand out into or blossom into the person that that I would become that was enough for her to welcome in the person that I’m with now these incredible human as well so mazing yeah it can be done and you can do it much more quickly than I did because I am here and I can help yeah I think that’s one of the gifts that I that’s why I do the work that I do so I thought if I can ever cracked and so frustrating for so many years and I just felt like if I ever crack this thing I’m just going to share with the world because having a really healthy vibrant relationship is such so rewarding and such a beautiful gift %HESITATION that that yeah that was just you want to give back you just want to share what you know because you understand how it is when it’s it’s like what the heck is going on here and what do I do like is there anything I can do %HESITATION and yeah the answer is yes so amazing yeah I can’t wait to to find out more because yeah I think when you said about like %HESITATION to find a healthy relationship I think that’s key because like technically you kind have you go find a boyfriend or a girlfriend pretty quickly if you want to but is this the quality of the relationship and I think what I found sometimes it is your right you would see people and I got all these different relationships but they will you know they weren’t actually may be healthy or happy sometimes actually to stay S. two state singles actually choosing %HESITATION choosing not to not to take part in these %HESITATION on healthy relational dynamics yeah absolutely and so for me part of my another part of my true journey was understanding what a healthy relationship is and a lot of people men and women both come to me not fully understanding what that even looks like because there aren’t %HESITATION so many examples that they’d want to emulate for themselves either growing up or with their peer group %HESITATION with the people they see around them so it’s very very common for people to need to had to have a need to define healthy relationship and it’s also true that how we relate is constantly changing so we are constantly shifting and changing as humans society and culture is constantly shifting and changing and the way that we relate and the expectations we have around relationship %HESITATION is constantly evolving so it is %HESITATION it is a continual evolution and it’s not necessarily fixed as well so with my partner every year we kind of do a bit of a sign of valuation it’s more like okay last year we said we would %HESITATION operate or we would have we would we would work within our relationship in this way trust honesty we would state the values %HESITATION and also the style of relationships so we’re in a monogamous relationship do you want to stay that way do you want to consider opening will we ever we don’t know but every year we have the discussion so that the relationship can feel fresh and that it meets the needs of the one in the other so %HESITATION so defining what a healthy relationship is is definitely definitely a key components and understanding %HESITATION a lot of people also say I feel like I’m just asking for too much I feel like I might be just asking for the impossible is it like you know maybe that’s what my problem is maybe I need to step back from what I what I’m expecting what I’m wanting and I %HESITATION in my experience in my view it’s %HESITATION it’s something to consider in not you want to have your values the top five it’s five is a good number to work with the five things that you value most in yourself and then the five things that you value in the other person you want those to be super clear and those want to be there absolutely so the things that you value in yourself you want that other person to also reflect back that they also can see that in you and value that in you and the things that you’re looking for the values and another person you definitely want them to be there it’s when we start to %HESITATION so a few things can happen in very early stage of relationship we were sort of speaking about this %HESITATION alluding to it before we can tend to project on to the other person things that we want to see and so we need to be kind of careful in the very beginning phases of when we’re dating that we’re not actually doing that there actually is %HESITATION there is a true %HESITATION %HESITATION they truly are the person that is in front of you is human is going to show their true self over time so yes your first impressions are important and important to kind of read and to feel in your body this feels good this doesn’t feel good I’m not sure about that ends to be aware of that %HESITATION and also to give the person time to reveal some of the things that you might have on that list that may not be apparent right from the start and those those things that I’m %HESITATION alluding to that show up over time for me they kind of tend to fall further down on the list of values so they could be number five or six or seven or eight or even beyond values characteristics interests those kind of things though tens of the things that fall further down the list after the number five the kind of things that men perhaps you can have a looser hold on so what about something like trust though because I always like though trust usually it takes time to like build and really see is this person trustworthy yeah stress is definitely something that takes time and actions are huge %HESITATION something that really tells you a lot about a person and whether they’re being truthful so you want congruence between the words that they’re speaking in the actions that they’re taking you want congruence between what is being said again and what you’re feeling and receiving %HESITATION from that person as far as energy as well so it it you a high level of trust is fundamental and foundational in in any healthy relationship in any relationship in general trust is is a big one yeah for sure so I just one of them thinks so when you %HESITATION started your journey offer I’m going to crack this code what was the where did you what did you %HESITATION what did you try first store how did that start so first I tried all the self help books that were out there at the time was quite a long time ago it was why men marry bitches however I don’t what I do remember quite awhile ago and that it just didn’t it didn’t really work for me and it didn’t feel right and there are other books and you know things around the time I just didn’t really quite hit what I needed %HESITATION so I kind of let that go that stuff go even though every once in a while ago online and kind of look look up the tactical things like how to start a conversation online or how to create a good profile in dating profile and I give this advice sometimes to %HESITATION because sometimes you need you just need some practical stuff but nothing will change if you’re applying the practical stuff and you haven’t worked on the deeper underlying stuff then you will get the results that you’re hoping for is the it needs to all kind of work together and and be calm machine not a machine but just something that you live in in body as much as it is something that you understand how to do %HESITATION with your %HESITATION with your logical brain with your rational brain like applying a tip in a very like analytical way is great but you also need to embody the values thought that under that underlies it I’m not necessarily the tip but you need to you need to start to you need to also work on the deeper the deeper layered stuff like your self worth like I was mentioning for me myself worse %HESITATION my understanding of of men and masculinity and having a healthy relationship myself to that %HESITATION into men in general %HESITATION because I definitely didn’t have such a healthy relationship to food to metamask calamity before that %HESITATION so so yeah so it’s it’s a combination of of things but definitely that for the deeper level work was was really important is really important yeah yeah absolutely so then you were you you read a few of those %HESITATION self help books then what did you what did and then I would I do so I was starting %HESITATION I had many years beyond late nineties even I was starting to do yoga and starting to get in a room explore a spiritual path so is it going to be Buddhism which kind of felt like maybe the closest thing and then it sort of morphed into Dow is %HESITATION but then I did I wasn’t there wasn’t a teacher around or didn’t find the right school so I kind of took a break from that exploration for five years maybe more and then when I moved to London I was in Italy moved to London from before I was in New York then Italy then London %HESITATION when so near so I started kind of yoga and and this philosophy had thing behind yoga is kind of good too I like this mindfulness he kind of stuff took a break in Italy because just didn’t have the right %HESITATION space the right teachers around came to London and %HESITATION but just walking on the street near my flat and saw that there was a at a tantric school that was also doing yoga I thought okay maybe they have some good yoga teacher in there that’s going to help me continue what I had started in New York and hunter I have no idea what that is but whatever all the strip or check out the yoga teacher so they went into the school and started to %HESITATION I didn’t never went to your yoga class there because I cut I Austin with hunter was then explained to me that it’s %HESITATION it’s a philosophy that yoga philosophy it’s and it’s %HESITATION an ancient spiritual paths for people and in the belief system of tantra sex is sacred and there was something there that was really interesting where I was like yes okay this is really interesting I intuited for when I was really young that that sex could be something that could lift you higher and %HESITATION Kerry you like like half the highest forms of art can beyond kind of this world into this other place of dispute E. expression of freedom the lists and %HESITATION so even though I hadn’t necessarily experienced sex at the time of school I was quite young well younger shows a really late bloomer %HESITATION they kissed the first kiss for my first boyfriend when I was sixteen was that’s what kind of gave me that that message was like wow this could be so much more this could be this is so incredible and so when I went into the school and and realize that there’s this whole entire spiritual tradition that embraces a sex as part of a human experience that is also sacred I thought okay right this isn’t this is for me I’m in the right place and I was hooked from there that was what that’s what started the deeper levels of of change that I needed I’m in healing that I needed because I needed to heal quite a bit %HESITATION %HESITATION that finally shifted and it took years it took three it took me about three years before I five Matt %HESITATION the %HESITATION my first kind of boyfriend breaking out of the period of single dom and then and eventually met the guy with now right after that that relationship kind of ended but I am yeah it was it’s such a it’s such a beautiful journey it’s a huge part of how I coach huge part of how it lives in how I teach and what I believe and it’s %HESITATION yeah it’s a beautiful beautiful tradition thought is very misunderstood yeah yeah I know normally when when when someone hears tantra they have an idea of like tantric %HESITATION sex and they have like you know yeah as you say maybe not the right idea on what what what what it means at the core %HESITATION so what about what are some of the main things that you learnt %HESITATION three tantra them about myself yeah %HESITATION that my body is a temple as they say that my body secret %HESITATION that sexual energy is an energy that like turn on so sexual energy is turn on turn a sexual energy is creative life force energy super positive super healing super %HESITATION nourishing for your body for your soul and you can move it you can forward through your whole body to experience bliss pleasure %HESITATION %HESITATION orgasmic states and %HESITATION hired higher states of consciousness as well ands really %HESITATION so I learns that sexual expression was more can be more than I thought it was or knew it to be %HESITATION I learned how to appreciate and love men and masculinity didn’t necessarily have such I grew up in a matriarchal family where women were strong and powerful and that there were there were flavors also %HESITATION in society and culture as well of distrust and fear around men and their power because of the history that we have with patriarchy and %HESITATION on the way that that that expression of power in men has been husband has come forward in the world so far so we’re working now more I’m speaking more about healthy masculinity healthy masculine power as well as healthy %HESITATION female power power for for women and %HESITATION so there’s also there’s also a bigger wider %HESITATION acknowledgement that when we speak about feminine and masculine it’s not necessarily %HESITATION a gender a gender %HESITATION discussion the gender is a bit separate I want to say a bit because it can be related and also can be different completely different %HESITATION especially when you’re working with energy star lake yen Yang light dark masculine feminine the it’s just the quality of the energy that is within you and within another person that is what we describe %HESITATION more than a gender which is different no comments yeah yeah I know in %HESITATION tantra they they talk about %HESITATION a lot earlier declared to Yemen and the importance especially like to %HESITATION create thought that that about spark off %HESITATION %HESITATION attraction there has to be %HESITATION polarity and %HESITATION I think what you’re what you’re saying about like I think you should know which %HESITATION %HESITATION energy you’re you are coming from because I’ve I find myself I can sometimes go into and more %HESITATION mmhm masculine energy absolutely and I think it has in some ways I feel like I have no choice because I have to be the man of my life in a way I how to lead in this way I have to get behind this when I’m because when I’m doing that the %HESITATION the %HESITATION feminine side come gets more a chain down and I think I’m sure %HESITATION quite a lot of of women experience that you know they’re they’re they’ve got work they’ve got there you know careers and so many different things yeah yeah so there’s there’s a lot of rebalancing that’s happening now %HESITATION so within each each person as you know there is a masculine and feminine so masculine energy %HESITATION tends to be yank you can describe it is Yang energy which is action based it’s focused it’s %HESITATION it is ambition to a certain degree it’s it’s drive its motion and again is rest and sit and relaxing back and it is also can be described as creative and nourishing and nurturing and so there are different views different qualities of energy that you have or ways of being that you have within you that want to be balanced so when you go in man or a woman doesn’t matter again gender kind of %HESITATION ins is another another thing so when it’s related again related hand also separate so %HESITATION when as a woman who is looking for balance in her life it is absolutely powerful and wonderful to drop into your masculine to be focused to be present to do something with absolute determination and drive and to be there and to show up in to do it and that’s incredible and it’s to be celebrated as well when we don’t have enough space in our life for the yen for the softness for the relaxing back for this sensual for the luxurious for the feeling side for %HESITATION the the creativity which just has flow with not necessarily a direction when we lose too much of that space for that that’s when we can start to feel out of balance and like aw man or two man Lee or two I feel like I’m a lot of a lot of people come to me and say I feel a bit dead inside %HESITATION I feel like I’m just in that energy that’s so nourishing of that it needs space it needs air it needs brass and modern life is tough and our professional professional career can be quite demanding and in many corporate environment since is changing but in many corporate environments %HESITATION that there’s much more of a call for Yang there’s much more of a call for doing for producing for and also for creativity because they want the creativity and just then if you %HESITATION if you are wanting to be seen as a leader and someone who’s your it’s kind of like always this call to the game much more in in the corporate environment where has there is very much in need for for the famine and that’s why %HESITATION I feel that there is much more of an emphasis on emotional intelligence and mindfulness and %HESITATION taking time now and because it’s been out a balance for so long and so we’re coming back to appreciate the power in the softness the power in the receptivity the ability to receive rather than to go into and both %HESITATION both so %HESITATION polarities both sides of the pool house can one can’t live really %HESITATION survive without the other so too much masculine and you feel flat too much feminine yeah and I don’t really try to get away from feminine masculine but too much yen can lead to chaos so there’s shadow sides there’s a shadow side when you go into imbalance on either on either sides of the energy so that balances what were were coming back to again and again and again to try and find that balance and and I my feeling burned out of my feeling crushed okay do I need space to I need some nourishing do I need some sensuality do I need to just luxury what do I need to get back to wholeness so that I can go out there and kill it again like work not necessarily but go out there and and do what I want to do in the world and make it happen %HESITATION and realize it yeah so what does this mean then like on our %HESITATION on our journey and %HESITATION trying to find the right partner yeah yes so this is different for everyone this is definitely different for everyone %HESITATION and so if you were R. a person in %HESITATION when you’re thinking about relationship you %HESITATION do you want to think about how do you want how do you most want to be in that relationship do you most want to be %HESITATION in the end state where you’re receiving and their softness and you’re the nurturer and caretaker or do you want to be more in the Yang sites where you’re more %HESITATION determining the direction of things and you’re more of a presence and you’re more of %HESITATION a solid off like a solid rock for the for the for the relationship and when do you want to be one or the other so there’s also an interplay and knots when %HESITATION the relationship can be really rich when sometimes you’re leading sometimes you’re the one doing things and going for it and then there’s other times when it’s really wonderful to let the other person take charge and open the door and to bring you gifts and do wonderful things like that so %HESITATION again without a traditional gender %HESITATION lake labeling that needs to happen at all like you can be one one energy or you can be in the other energy whether your a heterosexual couple whether you’re non binary whatever your %HESITATION the style again whatever relationship you’re in with whomever you’re in you’re in you’re in that relationship with it’s more of an understanding of in this moment what %HESITATION energy do I want to embody what do I want to express what we want to feel and %HESITATION because there is something to be said for when there is that contrast in energies thought they do really there is really a dynamism there is really fire there is a spark when there is that definite I’m definitely in my eating right now when they go for it my partner loves it he’s like yeah I’m just gonna relax back in you’re gonna take care of me so happy and then there’s other times where I’m like right now is just tell me the direction to walk in and I’m just going to follow you today on this past take so you know we we also in our relationship very much have a have an interplay and %HESITATION and it’s freeing it’s freeing for both people because they can find within them this expression of both sides of them that really is what we all have within us these two yen in Yang energy so yeah anything saying that you did the tantra then then you you explore that mmhm and %HESITATION what was the next step afternoon trust so that one should to be to be clear about what that was so the first three years in %HESITATION the school I was studying in for tantra it was a lot of philosophy a lot of tantric philosophy which is very similar to your gig philosophy %HESITATION because it’s part of part and parcel with this it’s the same tradition basically said Andrea is one of the %HESITATION not gonna technically describe this correctly because I always forget but it is yoga is a part of the tantric for food tradition which probably at at this but we’re going to get it right but %HESITATION so the second sexuality aspect of tantra is just one tiny bit of a much bigger a school of wisdom and knowledge which today we tend to understand is mindfulness being mindful being present being in the present moment a lot of Eckhart Tolle Lee’s yeah I work is very much in that in that tradition %HESITATION of us taking time of connecting with yourself deeply of finding %HESITATION guidance within yourself and understanding your your your full human nature so the time that I was in the school I didn’t have a lover actually I was still single for the time that I was in school doing that work on myself so exploring my own sexuality exploring what it meant to be a woman exploring how it was to to relate to men but didn’t have lovers didn’t have you know kind of the things people people often think people in tantric communities %HESITATION do and have their you know we had practices with %HESITATION with with people but it wasn’t it wasn’t sexual and that I didn’t have lovers I would work with the energy within myself and with other people but %HESITATION yeah so after that I %HESITATION decided that I was I was too I do yoga teacher training I did some raking the idea had done some show monic %HESITATION some somatic practices practices learns that learned about a bit of that world and %HESITATION wasn’t one isn’t sure what I was going to do with all of it so I wasn’t quite sure what was going to be my pastor what was gonna happen next hi and then one day I got an email into my my inbox from later Martin who is a sex love and relationships is a sexuality internationally renowned %HESITATION leader and sex and sexuality and she was launching a coaching program for the first time that was a sex love and relationships are certificate program year long six hundred and fifty hours of %HESITATION training that we did super intense and she comes from the tantric tradition and had also studied it at Stanford %HESITATION the psychology aspect of it so she had a western background and and learning as much as she had in eastern experiences while she lived in Asia for about ten years %HESITATION and had done a lot of work with hunter and I was M. and our sexual practices there so %HESITATION it was perfect for me because it was a combination of the eastern the stuff I was learning from from that from school from tantra and that type of things and also Ricky and %HESITATION the shamanic practices in the yoga teacher training I did together with my curiosity in self development in psychology and neuroscience that was starting to to grow at that time so it was a perfect program it was amazing and I did a couple of specializations because it was just so interesting and male sexuality which also was a continuation of my understanding of man and what’s going on for them %HESITATION %HESITATION which helped me it was my part of my own healing and then %HESITATION I did yeah a couple other relationships modules and yeah maths is really good so then when you were doing those %HESITATION courses did you find out things were things were changing and in real life yeah absolutely so I started Leila’s course in January of twenty seventeen and I met now as my partner in March so it would also like to my son learns after a while yeah so it’s kind of a continuation of all the work is done for all of the years in %HESITATION in tantra and and in my own kind of reading and understanding and practicing and then %HESITATION yeah I was just I was just continuing on the path that I was already on so he came in it came around at a good time hello yeah my client shifted enough within me to be able to be open to someone coming into my life %HESITATION to date in a way that felt lighter and more easy and even fun %HESITATION which had been my experience before hands to see the person for for who they were so seeing us for whom for who he is and %HESITATION and give it time give give it time to unfold I had a lot of anxiety before that so before when I would date before when I was trying to figure out whether it’s going to last or if it was the right person from just a couple text exchanges or how’s the profile what are the phones like and it was just quite come condensing compressed in like analytical and trying to just you know do anything to not get hurt basically you’re not to have to start something that would and just and and here it was again %HESITATION so I was much more easy going open to to what what what would be what might be what the possibilities were and had a really good %HESITATION by that time have really high level of trust within myself to feel my way through fans too %HESITATION and just to really see again like I said the person for who for who he was yeah so from from that what do you think are the most common things that that that holds people back from %HESITATION from %HESITATION connecting to a healthy healthy partner yeah so things that hold people back time and again our worthiness so not really feeling like they’re worth it men and women both so men and women both have have a worthiness or deserving this some kind of issue something to work on that where they have lower lower levels of of worthiness or deserving this often one or the other sometimes both that needs %HESITATION realizing they’ll have %HESITATION hurt from the past that once healing and they want the %HESITATION they’ll developing a way to an inner resilience resilience is kind of a funny word but it’s %HESITATION because it it feels rigid to me and it’s not so having it and having an ability to %HESITATION ten are to just hold yourself through whatever experience you have so if it’s a good date if it’s a bad date if it lasts if it doesn’t last year kind of okay because you know you got yourself you know your love to you know you’ve you’re you’re accepted you know that you’re amazing and that comes from %HESITATION really getting to know yourself very deeply and loving all the parts that that come up all the parts of you and seeing them for for what they are yeah which is just it’s beautiful so that helps %HESITATION so when you’re able to do that then it becomes much easier to be an all different situations with different people and be okay with whatever happens which leaves more space for things to happen in for surprises to happen in for things to move through when they’re not quite right as well so %HESITATION that’s definitely another one and then we have %HESITATION of course there is also stuff from our families that might be sticking around so how we learned how to relate when we were little %HESITATION attachment styles and stuff if people are into that that can help that can be helpful to understand how how we attach in how we how we feel more with other people based on how our relationship with our parents were at what our caretakers were our family members were Hamza sometimes their stuff too often almost always have to work through their then there is %HESITATION society culture religion so there’s usually a lot of belief that we’ve learned that aren’t necessarily supportive of us moving forward into love so we want to rewrite some of the belief systems that we have or some of the beliefs that we hold and %HESITATION so that is another part of it and %HESITATION what else is there I feel like there is %HESITATION getting clarity like you said from the beginning on what healthy relationship is what it’s going to feel like when you have it what it’s going to feel like in your body when you have it so that you can recognize it when it shows up %HESITATION and feeling also experiencing the emotions of it before it even arrives so that it’s a little bit of law of attraction stuff where you %HESITATION you know how it is when you meet someone new vibe it’s that if you’re on a vibe that you want to meet you where you’re at hi fi you’re in a great space then you’re going to attract interview tracked it to other people who were in a great space to so %HESITATION simple physics like attracts like so in some ways and then I guess so so those are some of the some of the things relating to %HESITATION sex and sexuality also if there’s any healing that wants to happen a lot of us have gone real like kind of what feels like innocent bad dates that hang around all the way through to being with people and intimate with people we didn’t really want to be intimate with %HESITATION ands or even more kind of %HESITATION traumatic experiences that want cleaning clearing so so that can also be something that %HESITATION will hold people back on yeah you are clear from your quite a lot of quite a lot of stuff there yeah there sure it’s area near those and not everyone has all of it to the same degree so yeah some people the people of where if they move the easiest through things is that they’ve started to look at the things they have an awareness of what’s happening %HESITATION %HESITATION what’s happened and they’re starting to understand it they just don’t know what to do to move forward so that is those are the almost the easiest people to work with because they have a level of understanding now they just need to be brought forward and there are some people who were really still %HESITATION really still identifying with all their thoughts and identifying with their %HESITATION with with %HESITATION what they grew up with in a really tight where what’s exciting culture so for those people it’s it’s interesting because they’re working on raising or you’re working with someone on separating the the thoughts and the beliefs from them and who they are that for staff of kind of awareness that I’m actually not the things I think and it’s something that I’m definitely still working on because my lifelong practice but %HESITATION yeah for people who are really connected to their bodies so who have body based practices the workable faster as well %HESITATION because they’re connected to %HESITATION to their physical bodies of third tier yogis or if they do sports or if they’re just used to coming back into their bodies and being in their bodies then %HESITATION the body is a vehicle also for moving through and forward %HESITATION faster so yeah and I think I think what were you %HESITATION a perhaps %HESITATION have have already the cover ready at said as well it’s so you can feel inside your body whether a person is good for you or not and I think %HESITATION like how do we learn to use our intuition because they’re like I have experience like with some people they seem to be like great they like they do this they do that but inside I just felt there’s just something off about this person you know I still can’t you know that %HESITATION let’s see you know and like let’s be positive and like all these kind of red flags were showing up but like I just don’t know it’s going to be okay like you know he was my friend and everything but %HESITATION yeah and then but from like quite early on I felt inside that there was something off about this person and that later down the line you know things you know it was true yeah so why do you think and I think I’m I’m not I’m sure I’m not I’m not the only one who has this experience so why do you think that when we do feel those things we still carry on anyway or how can we really trust our intuition how do we know okay this is my %HESITATION intuition speaking I’m not just like fear or paranoia or like maybe old trauma or like some kind of %HESITATION %HESITATION %HESITATION pattern or anything like that such a good question and so not easy to answer so %HESITATION and this is a huge part of the work I do because I work with people with their bodies a lot %HESITATION to uncover what’s really going on what’s happening %HESITATION is it a fear is it a fear based %HESITATION reaction that you’re having that’s actually protecting you from getting close to someone who actually could be good for you %HESITATION and healthy or is it an inner knowing that there’s something just not right here and it’s alarm bells and red flags so a really good way of working with the parts of you that show up strongly like that is to speak to them as if they were another person so speaking to that part of you into saying Hey belly you’re tightening up I feel you know what’s going on in there what have you got to say and just listening in for an answer to see what’s coming up and starting to dialogue with that part of you and understand what do you need or what’s going on here what are you trying to tell me and %HESITATION generally when those pieces show up like that it’s up it’s trying to keep you safe regardless so whether it’s keeping you safe because it’s afraid that you might get rejected %HESITATION it’s doing a protection job if it’s showing up because it knows that that person’s actually not safe then it’s still doing a protector job so distinguishing between okay what’s the what’s good protection or or protection that’s that’s helping me in this moment and what is you know fear %HESITATION really good way is to to work with that piece of trying to understand and then also tap into a part of you that feel super powerful so once he’s kind of spoken to that part that slick scared in protecting you you working out what it needs it might have the information that you need if it kind of comes down but you’re still insured than tapping into a part of me that feels really powerful and open and asking that part of you does it feel really good right now is to move forward or does it feel better for me to take that power and move away and see what comes up so if that empowering part of you that powerful part of you is like get the freakin hack away then you you move away and if it’s like actually no it’s safe for you to move forward then you you move forward %HESITATION and practicing a huge amount of compassion for yourself as well that it’s these are really tricky pieces to figure out like figure out on your own %HESITATION and it’s not always going to be a hundred percent clear so the most important thing is to give yourself the time and space to get cleared and to be sure and then when you are sure to move forward mmhm yeah and it you you %HESITATION product over the important point about the fear off rejection I think that’s such an important thing to %HESITATION to talk about because sometimes that fear can hold us back from saying how we truly feel or or even maybe not even try to the like talk to a certain person because of the although probably %HESITATION like they’ll say no or they don’t care but %HESITATION how do we I know this you are you know as an as with life %HESITATION %HESITATION rejection is a big %HESITATION I hope is a big part of it so how do we also not take %HESITATION rejection so personally as well because sometimes I I know with me like a five I have experienced it some of the all you know it must be like it’s me like I don’t I mean I’m not where they was actually you know it’s not that person they don’t see like you know they don’t see %HESITATION of well you in me that says there I’m there %HESITATION perception it’s not like this like global view like okay I don’t have all the so but it’s but you know it’s very hard not to take that personally sometimes so how how would you %HESITATION advice someone and they’re going through like you know they’re afraid of rejection or they’ve experienced rejection great question another great question so and you pretty much nailed it you pretty much %HESITATION are on to something when it’s %HESITATION about understood like like you said it’s about understanding your value and your worth in knowing what you are worth in knowing your value and that sense of worthiness coming from the inside it’s a really deeply embodying knowing deep within you know your value so you’re not looking for external validation and when you know your value ands %HESITATION has a experience that that causes you to feel rejected because last your feeling of for that you’ve gotten from the situation then being able to take care of the part of you that feels like it’s been left or rejected or not seen or not appreciated or not loved so it’s a great call to action it’s a great call to practice more compassion more self love into I would follow my mind pattern so if I started to sink %HESITATION that person’s looked away maybe it’s because I’m not pretty enough maybe it’s because I’m wearing some silly clothes maybe it’s because usually it’s a physical thing then I’ll realize okay once again here I am not appreciating my own unique beauty here I am not really seeing myself for what I actually am which is a unique expression of beauty in humanness on the planet that no other soul that’s ever lived up until now and all of the billions of years the plan it’s been around humans have been around quite so long but %HESITATION it does not really fully loving myself as I would love to be loved so %HESITATION it’s not easy so I’m not saying it’s the simple solution yeah just rejection it’s easy you just keep loving yourself it’s definitely a practice and it’s just coming back to yourself time and again and loving yourself down just like you want to be loved is the surest fastest %HESITATION there’s also something that you started to speak to each was for connection to happen it does take vulnerability so putting yourself out there speaking %HESITATION showing up as an authentic person the authentic you and revealing a bit on it doesn’t mean you have to open the floodgates and tell everyone what feels safe to to share of course in finding your edge with it so %HESITATION when you share vulnerability and speak to whatever it is that’s come up for you then that can absolutely foster connection and it can also D. charge that part of you that feels %HESITATION unsure so for example if you see someone and you think they’re kinda cute you’re like he’s kind of hot you could even say something like Hey you know you’re making my my the butterflies in my belly come alive you’re kinda cute and so your when you acknowledge that nervousness so you acknowledge that fear that it can it can D. chart like that the little butterflies kind of quiet down at that you feel better because you’ve just spoken whatever it is that that you’re experiencing any other person will you know often often come toward you because you’ve been brave enough to say hi even though the butterflies flying around so yeah that is your question yeah yeah definitely so just to %HESITATION that our time is going really quickly %HESITATION just to see when you talked about like %HESITATION they’re being like trying to crack the code so what have been like %HESITATION to look back on your journey what have been some of those like keys that I’ve unlocked things for you yeah definitely understanding my %HESITATION my sexiness which has its own unique flavor %HESITATION that doesn’t look like what I think or thought it should be or could be %HESITATION or why isn’t it more like this or that and I still something I still work with I’m understanding %HESITATION not just how women have have have as %HESITATION kind of things to work through like what we have like you mentioned before with work and feeling like we have to be and then feeling too masculine and whereas with men understanding some of the things that they struggle with because of society and culture has helped me as well so for example it’s difficult for men and %HESITATION it’s become cliche because we talk about so much now that they they can’t express their emotions or they they aren’t emotional and understanding that for men it hasn’t ever been safe for them to be in touch with their emotions never mind express them %HESITATION that it might take him a little bit longer to share with you what they’re actually feeling and it takes a bit of patience for and time for them to open up so it’s made me a lot more compassionate towards men and %HESITATION the things that they’re working with the things that they’re working through and and it makes it so much easier to love them they say I actually find myself I’m actually quite like that I’m I really don’t like to share my feelings yeah yeah so that’s so it’s really really interesting yeah and it’s every time you or me I go to say men are like this winter like that there’s always the next person who shows up is the the the opposite sex two one ever that generalization I just made is and is experiencing nothing too so the China the generalizations as far as gender yes there are some patterns that come through for sure four and I work mainly with cisgender people so people who have been have are born well %HESITATION knows a cisgender people are so I work with some people who are bisexual and gay but not I don’t have a vast amount of experience working with people who %HESITATION who don’t identify on the on is that aren’t in the what’s the word I’m looking for that wouldn’t say I met a man %HESITATION I’m a woman and I’m I’m exploring rhyme like non binary nine but now there you go thank you so %HESITATION so yeah so it’s not it’s definitely %HESITATION yeah it’s a beautiful except under such an interesting and complex kind of thing and how we and yet it’s helpful I think when we talk and so I feel like it’s helpful when we talk more about yin and Yang in the quality of energy because gender is just it’s it’s another it’s another layer e.on’s will wake you know like I was saying it can be related to the energetics of things %HESITATION and it’s a much more %HESITATION complex discussion than I’m equipped to have like evolutionary psychologists evolutionary biologists %HESITATION dude who are you know into gender studies will be able to have a much like that would be a much more helpful around a conversation then when I can contribute in very very humble and not because it’s just not something I have had much experience with myself soon sure yeah so M. like what whenever you have a a a client come and see you can you kind of %HESITATION give us an idea like what are the key the steps that you %HESITATION that you support them I think is a like a five step plan to finding love or something like that yeah there is a bit of us the men and women %HESITATION their journeys are slightly different %HESITATION but follow in general a similar trajectory so the first thing is clarity so getting super clear on what it is that you want %HESITATION what healthy relationship is what’s exciting for you what feels alive it feels good getting super clear on not bringing it into your body justice to add an extra question there how do we know when and I’m like what is a healthy relationship because some people might have this idea I was going to be like this I thought but actually maybe that kind of %HESITATION %HESITATION that kind of dynamic is maybe not actually healthy so when people when I work with people through this statement we create kind of like a vision statement almost in the very beginning I because of the work that I do can allow when they’re they’re doing when they’re saying things that %HESITATION one coming alive within them that they haven’t realized that they’re now hoping this other person’s going to bring so I don’t do anything with it in the initial phase actually because it’s something that over the course of our work together will come forward and we’ll get healed and so that stops that %HESITATION sometimes out sometimes all tease it out a little bit in the end that first session but generally I leave it because it’s just that’s where they are that’s where they’re at that’s what they %HESITATION they feel for them right now is what a healthy relationship would would be %HESITATION and if people really struggle because they haven’t had an example of a healthy relationship then I ask questions like how would you like to feel when you’re in the relationship how what will you experience on a day to day basis when you’re with this other person what are some of the things that you’ll explore what more will you experience what more will you do and so that generally brings forward a very healthy %HESITATION kind of definition of what a person is actually wanting so %HESITATION yeah so that’s how to probe that’s a way to get that that’s step one and then we work through the quite systematically usually but not always so the the the order can be different so it’ll be working with like I was saying before but often times past heartbreak residue from past experiences that are just not felt good %HESITATION they’ll be a family piece that will come up usually generally %HESITATION sometimes it’s how you relate to your mommy to your dad and how that relationship defined how you see %HESITATION femininity like a female figure masculine figure and then how you are attracted to that energy %HESITATION and if there’s something in usually that relates to the masculine and feminine within you so what that piece of work is is balancing out within you your perception of what it is to be masculine or feminine and bringing it into a healthy space and bring it into balance so that’s actually what that what that is and other times it has to do with okay what was your relationship to your caretaker %HESITATION in a way that is determining relationship dynamics that it that you’ve had whether it’s an anxious attachment style that you have avoided if you’re always avoiding closeness there are there are some clues there as to what’s what’s going on what’s happening so that can be another and then there’s a separate piece on value and self worth and %HESITATION deserving next you deserve it are you worth it that will bring up other stuff that that’s how cities topics that’s a big one and it’s pretty much it always these things that I keep in I’ve designed a program based on the things I keep coming up and coming up and coming up so this is it’s a systematic like this because that’s generally what comes up known for men and women both and then sex and sexuality so how what is your relationship like with your sexuality with your body with pleasure with the opening to pleasure with experiencing pleasure with seeing yourself as a sexual being as a sexy I human that’s attractive and and gorgeous how are you in that space are you able to to feel pleasure in your body and P. and welcome it in are you able to %HESITATION to enjoy your body in pleasure in sex and the way that you want to are there any addictive tendencies that are happening there so much porn so there might be a porn addiction or wiring to experience pleasure only in one way %HESITATION so we work on that %HESITATION that kind of stuff as well and %HESITATION sometimes communications sometimes basic communication would depending on who comes who comes in what they’re coming with and by this time they’re total in such a good place empowerment through all of this so as we go through each stage it’s finding the stuff that once adjusting that one’s healing that once shifting and we pull up a power pieces %HESITATION part of them that is powerful that already knows that they’re worth it that RT is healthy and whole no matter the heartbreak that’s happened no matter what has happened pulling up the the queen in them or the the samurai from and often times I like to use that %HESITATION that analogy and the parts of them that are wise that that no thought can be trusted that are already confident so it’s a constant %HESITATION it’s it’s a beautiful way of working because you’re at the same time in the same session healing and empowering healing and empowering healing and empowering so it’s not like you’re picking things apart everything’s falling apart and then you have to wait till five years down the road and you’re like it’s a continual evolution of %HESITATION it’s a it’s an evolution of empowerment really so that’s why I love this work because its action based it is it is exploratory and then it’s it’s with that information we take focused and strategic action it’s practical so we do practical send people ascend clients away with practical things to do %HESITATION to express what they’ve healed and found where they found that power piece that piece thing goes out and does things in the world so we’re doing you’re doing inner work and your inner ecology or inner %HESITATION your inner world and then that expression is happening also in the actions that you take in a practical three D. like world that we’re living in so %HESITATION I love it as a way of working in love I love working with people I love seeing how fast they change and how much they they get to have what they want in their lives after years and years and years and years of not so %HESITATION it’s it’s such a special gift to be able to do this work and to to be part of yeah human evolution on the planet or %HESITATION where we are at now helping to bring %HESITATION myself forward as much as the people that I work with because it’s healing to to keep working with people in this way for myself %HESITATION and very very humbling as well %HESITATION yeah it’s beautiful beautiful work so amazing thank you Andrew well %HESITATION it’s it’s time to %HESITATION to round things off now so I always have money to %HESITATION signature questions at the end so %HESITATION the first one is like what although I mean you’ve kind of over this I think quite a lot but maybe just to summarize like what have been the key practices that have helped to to %HESITATION overcome challenges and to attain success so I want to say breathwork because breath works amazing and and I avoid it because it’s so intense but %HESITATION Anne and I yeah I always fall these practices when I’m teaching them I feel like I need to do that more I needed that more but %HESITATION working with my body and with the brass is fundamental to the to the work I do and the work that I still do %HESITATION on myself so %HESITATION that is definitely one moving my body and working with my breath and I’m not sure if I mean a lot of people are doing breath work now so it’s become more popular another practice would be daily practices are %HESITATION starting today and ending the day with either intentions or gratitude or listening to %HESITATION a podcaster YouTube video or some some spiritual leader generally for me is that this big the daily %HESITATION support for me so %HESITATION sometimes it’ll be my own stuff that I record and I met more often it’s it’s things that I find around right now I’m in a Kerr Tolley phase it always it changes it shifts and adjusts the moves right now than listening to him quite a bit %HESITATION and I feel like I’m shifting out of it so I’m wondering where I’ll go next yeah right yeah and M. what do you value most and how do you put it into practice I rally you most hi I think evolution personal growth and %HESITATION I value most what my deepest value or my biggest contribution I hope to make on the planet is helping other people get what they came here to do %HESITATION do what they came here to do got what they came here to get so I came to have a rich beautiful relationship with someone for sure and I was going to work for that until the end of time and I will work for it until the end of time and so for anyone else who wants that as one of the main things in their lives that is what yeah that’s where that’s where I can help and if they have %HESITATION different deep missions on the planet than supporting them and not to use so often times the work that I do is people goes beyond %HESITATION their relationship piece because it’s work that touches all parts of them so finding your true purpose would would be %HESITATION where I give the I feel most at service to people on the planet and most in my %HESITATION zone of power I don’t know if powers the right words zone of service the owner of %HESITATION contribution to the planet I feel like yeah it’s when I feel happiest myself too so it’s you know it works both ways when you’re feeding people you always get fed yeah of course see how amazing thank you so much Andrea so %HESITATION if there’s anybody who would like to find out a bit more about you what is the best place to find your so my website that’s got lots information of my programs I’m on insta %HESITATION you too with that Facebook abet hands %HESITATION yes send me a message I’m always happy to hear from people DM me say hi and I would love to have a conversation amazing thank you so much Andrea and thank you so much for I’m listening M. if you enjoy this podcast please subscribe and if you thought that they some episodes could benefit someone please share it with your friends and I’ll catch you next time